Facebook stalking is a delicate art. Anyone who's stared a little too long and a little too closely at a friend's profile has thought to themselves, "Is this weird?" Even if you've got no moral dilemma with reading every intricate detail of someone's online life -- and lots of time on your hands to do it -- there's the issue of not letting on to the person in question just how obsessed you are.
10. You know more about what someone did last night than they do.
Checking out a friend's party photos is an entirely legitimate, non-stalkerly Facebook activity. Checking out those photos the second they're posted, watching the person in question get progressively drunker, and then glaring at the girl in the low-cut shirt falling all over your stalker-ee: that's questionable.
9. You notice when someone's profile pic changes, and you're not even their friend.
Stalking someone you can't friend for social reasons -- your boyfriend's ex, whom you've never met, for example -- can prove challenging even for the most intrepid Facebook user. If that person keeps their profile private, sometimes you have to content yourself and your unhealthy obsession with staring at the tiny profile pic that comes up when you search for their name. Desperate? Yes, but stalkers can't be choosers.
8. You want to know who that girl was who left that flirty wall post.
She says she wants to catch up with him over coffee sometime. What does that mean? What does that MEAN?
7. You look at someone's photos so often you know their wardrobe better than they do.
It's always a little creepy when a boy you like walks into a friendly gathering wearing some particular sweater or shirt, and you find yourself saying casually, "Oh, I love that one. You've been wearing it a lot lately." Then you stop yourself, because you realize you haven't actually seen this particular stalker-ee in weeks. You've just been busy staring at his chest online.
6. You read wall-to-wall threads you weren't even a part of.
The "wall-to-wall" button was basically created for jealous Facebook stalkers. Click it and stare voyeuristically at a conversation you were entirely absent from. Pick it apart piece by piece. Learn to hate people you don't even know.
5. You've seriously weighed the pros and cons of poking someone.
Occasionally the art of Facebook stalking involves knowing when to play it coy. If you leave a message on someone's wall every hour or every day, they're likely to realize just how obsessed you are. Likewise, if you poke them often, they'll know you're trying to flirt -- and sometimes not trying is exactly what you need to get their attention, right? That and posting seemingly effortlessly sexy photos you actually spent hours orchestrating.
4. You have to pretend you don't already know exactly how someone has been doing.
I recently got a Facebook message from a male friend that admitted, oh so sheepily, that he would ask how I'd been if he hadn't already been following my status updates way too closely. He knew I'd recently had surgery. He knew what I did for the holidays. He even spotted a photo of my tiny Christmas tree, and had begun coveting it. Lucky for him, he happened to be an ex-stalker-ee of mine, not only making him not creepy, but actually kind of adorable.
3. You've gone so far as to stalk someone by proxy.
Want to scrutinize someone you can't friend, but who happens to be friends with one of your friends? Get them to sympathize with your plight (or just pretend you want to hang out with them), then sign onto their Facebook account and stalk away.
2. You've considered making a fake profile just to "accidentally" friend someone.
The really, really desperate solution to accessing the info of someone you can't friend and your real-life buddies don't even know: set up a fake profile, message them pretending to be someone nondescript they met once ("You remember me, right? That was such a crazy night!"), and hope they accept your request long enough to stalk the heck out of them before they discretely erase you from their friends list.
1. You check his relationship status as frequently as you check your email.
Crushes. Sigh. Maybe today will be the day you scan his Facebook profile only to discover he's finally broken up with that girlfriend you've been making evil eyes at for years. Fingers crossed.
Reposted from Heartless Doll By Bonnie Ruberg
Giving it all to God
14 years ago
